Tags
Bdsm, bondage, domdrop, domination, domspace, drifting, flying high, masochism, sadism, subdrop, Submission, subspace
My thanks go out to Enigmatic Amor for inspiring me to write this entry, from her post here.
~Subspace~
Before I entered into this journey, I educated myself. I knew about subspace, although I had never experienced it myself.
The random fumblings that I entered into with various partners did not allow for that amount of trust or release of control on my part.
I could not let go.
The first time I spaced was with my Master, on the phone.
It was a call and response:
“What are you?”
“I don’t know, Sir.”
“Yes you do, let it go. What are you?”
“Submissive, Sir.”
He was not my Master yet. He was a friend, a Mentor and a voice on the phone.
We met on bondage.com, a shithole of a website. I don’t know how we got so lucky because I had some weird freaks contacting me on there.
Call and response.
I spaced almost immediately.
At first my hands were shaking so bad I could hear the phone clanking against my earrings (2 gauge weights, really. Very pretty. Shaped like swans, I miss them. Teenage daughters will lose your stuff.)
“Let go, just drift. What are you?”
“Submissive, Sir.”
“Yes, good girl.”
ZAP!
That did it right there, didn’t it? “Good Girl” the trigger for most s-types. Well, sorry I’m not trying to be sexist here. “Good Girl, Good Boy, Good Pet”.
Drifting
Drifting
Drifting
“You can let go. I’ll catch you. I’m not going anywhere. You are safe, with me.”
I let go. I let the control go. I no longer had to white knuckle myself through my life. My worries and anxieties fell away like shed skin.
I felt myself expand into the universe.
I closed my eyes and could see my cerebral cortex all lit up like a Christmas Tree.
I felt like there was a coil of copper wrapped around my spinal cord, plugged from my brainstem down into my lower back.
~Aftercare~
Because of the nature of our relationship in the beginning, the long-distance and the training and the fact that we were not a couple/item/Master-slave — He could not do the regular aftercare that you read about in manuals or guides.
Of course he’d talk me down, but the time zone differences and the 1500 mile distance made true aftercare impossible.
I learned to care for myself.
Here is what I learned:
1.) I need chocolate and/or a glass of wine. Just one glass! More than that, and I’ll get drunk and that creates sub-drop.
2.) I get really really cold, and I need to lie down under blankets.
3.) I CANNOT drive. Once, in the beginning, I had no chocolate or cigarettes. I ran out to get some … and ended up driving around randomly because I kept forgetting what I was doing. It was just as irresponsible as if I had been drinking. It took me an hour to go three minutes down the street from my house.
4.) I get scared if I do not do my routine: Himself talking me down, a bit of chocolate, maybe a glass of wine, blanket and Netflix and a couple of cigarettes.
[Yes, I smoke. Yes it’s nasty. Yes, He has tried to make me quit. Yes, I’m ashamed that I can’t. And yes, I have a vaporizer. It isn’t the same.]
So that was the routine: Get home from work, get on phone/skype, tie myself up/fuck myself if I was lucky, get spaced out of my mind, clean everything up (still on the phone), fix myself a snack and a glass of wine, smoke a cigarette, get comfy in bed with some Netflix (still on the phone) and listen to Himself fall asleep.
Listen to him breathe.
It was an hour earlier at my house than it was at his. He worked early hours and I worked late.
Even now, after living together for three years, I tend toward my old routine of self-care, because that is what I had … programmed (???) myself to do.
Eventually, I’ll grab a blanket and curl up next to him, and get all needy and lovey, but those first moments … that is when I remind The Muse that I love her. And that I’m sorry for locking her in a box.
~Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men: Sub-Drop~
No one had ever mentioned this in anything I had read [Granted, I hadn’t been visiting message boards or personal blogs because of ‘history’ with my ex.] even mentioned sub-drop.
So, I wasn’t expecting it when it hit me.
Luckily, I had already been active on Fetlife for a while and I was able to recognize it for what it was.
This is what sub-drop is for me (experiences vary and many people don’t drop at all): Terrible sense of loss, sometimes hopelessness. Mild to severe depression, depending on my cycle. Incredible neediness, I’m almost terrified to leave Judgment’s side if I’m particularly bad. I feel emotionally raw and exposed, like a naked molerat (he hates it when I say that, lol).
…anxiety …
Now, some newbs and some vanillas and even some Old Guard will ask, “If the drop is so terrible, why do this to yourself in the first place?”
That is a very good question Hypothetical person! I’m glad you asked.
The connection I feel to my Master and my Self and the universe is so incredibly intense during subspace. I am a control freak, and it is the one time in my life when I can truly let gooooooo. And it must be mentioned, that the hormones released during edge-play can be addictive; I mean, they are the same chemicals released by cocaine and heroin. Well, similar anyway.
That’s also why cutters get addicted to cutting, at least according my kid’s shrink.
I also go very deep into subspace very quickly, and I think my sub-drops might be a bit more intense as a result.
Anyway, 99% of the battle is awareness, and if I am prepared, and I drop … then I start feeling all emo and maudlin … well, there’s the answer. I’m droppy. I better eat some chocolate and write write write write. Exercise and sunshine.
Coffee, if it’s not too late.
Find that moment of grace and thank the Universe that such a beautiful Man came into my life.
[Addendum: There is also a phenomenon known as Dom-space and Dom-drop. I keep an eye out for Judgment as well, because he thinks he’s invincible. He acknowledges that he goes to Dom-space but I’m just now getting him to admit that he needs special care an attention after our times together as well. Plus, taking care of him helps to allay the sub-drop.]