Tags
Bdsm, dominant, masochism, master, relationship goals, sadism, slave, Submission, submissive, this is so much more than love, totalpowerexchange
A little bit about me, Old School Myspace Style. Thanks go to littlesubmissivebird for the idea. I found it amusing, and quite a journey into the dark recesses of my mind.
1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
As much as I dislike labels, I technically identify as a slave, a bottom, and a masochist. Although, Himself (Master, Judgment, The Judge) is currently cultivating a “dommy” and sadistic streak that resides in my black little soul.
His penultimate goal is to train me to domme another s-type.
His ultimate goal is to train me to domme another slave that I can own for my own self. With him as overseer.
This makes me a bit uncomfortable for a few reasons, and I am currently pontificating on the repercussions that such a dynamic could have upon our relationship.
Honestly, it’s the pink unicorn. Everyone has heard of one, but no one has ever seen one.
2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
I will only submit to my Master. I am owned and collared by him, therefore any activities I would do with or around another Dom(me) would be directly under his purview, therefore my submission would be to him, even if someone else was beating my ass, for example.
We are in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange dynamic, which means that every moment of my life, every day, is basically lived with him in mind. I do not have limits, NONE, and I am not allowed to have a safe-word. This is a very controversial stance, but I go to subspace very easily, and Master has to be in control.
I do not recommend this for newbies, it takes a tremendous amount of trust and Judgment to be able to pull this off. And it is rather difficult.
So, short answer to the above question: All of the above.
3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
Good question. How do you know if you are straight? Gay? Bi? Trans? I’m actually not very submissive, many people peg me as a Dominant, I guess there is a dichotomy to my basic nature going on in there.
How do I feel? Free, alive … finally, finally, finally … Myself.
4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
I have never in my life, thought of myself as a switch. I’ve tried it a couple of times, and I get envious of the bottom position, and I worry about my powers of observation. I worry that I would be more focused on doing things that I would enjoy having done to me, and that I would take things too far … injury, or trust, or emotional damage.
There are things in our life that Master has ordered me to manage and control: Nutrition, health and wellness, and financial matters. I am good at these things, and he recognizes this, therefore he uses me as a tool. Also, I have a child from a previous marriage, and that was set in stone pretty early on. Also, Master is helping to cultivate the Domme streak, because raising a teenager is an experience unto itself.
5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
This is my first full time BDSM relationship. We met in this context specifically, and things kinda grew from there.
Other than a few kinky hook-ups, and freaky one-night-stands, I was living in the vanilla closet for a very long time.
Oh, I had a partner or two that would fumble around and try it on, but I cannot nor will I EVER submit to a being that is weaker than I am, or has less willpower than me.
You would be surprised how rare that is.
6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
What are the roots of being straight, gay, bi, trans? It’s who I am.
I’ve done the research in the Scholarly Journals, and there is NO correlation to childhood trauma and BDSM. No more than there is correlation between childhood trauma and being gay.
***NOTE: It was that theory that did more damage to me as a developing person than anything anyone could ever have done. A psychological theory put forth by people with letters behind their name, “experts” espoused that women like me are broken, damaged and living out repressed memories (debunked)***
My submission is very, very intimate. And it is a huge rush. It is everything and all things. How does one quantify love? Because this is more than love.
At least for me.
7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
I do live in a discipline dynamic yes.
Although, I am a masochist, therefore my discipline does not equal beatings. Master usually uses some form of Negative Reinforcement, e.g., orgasm restriction or something to that effect.
***I’ve been on orgasm restriction for six weeks. I have done nothing wrong, but he has the control, so I suffer for him … and I love it.***
8.) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
Yes, but it is not a punishment.
I am a physical and emotional masochist. He is a sadist. We get off when he beats me.
If I am not careful, I will have an orgasm under the lash. It is very weird, because no one has to touch my genitals at all.
9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
The rules and structure I think, is what attracted me to this in the first place.
I cannot function nor thrive in chaos. When I have strict boundaries I feel freer, more creative, more secure.
In fact, when he slacks on off the structure, I get really insecure and weird.
And jealous.
I turn into a person I do not recognize.
10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
We are deviant kinksters. Bondage and pain go together for us, although if I wasn’t such a pain slut, I’m pretty sure Master would make do with someone who was just into bondage.
But yeah, I’m pretty well rounded on that front.
I have literally never found a limit.
Well, except for germs: That includes poop and phlegm.
11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
Yes, as a 24/7 TPE slave, service is expected of me.
That means I follow orders. Even if He is sitting beside the remote and I am in the other room, if he tells me to hand him the remote … I am expected to do so.
If he slacks off, and does things for Himself, I get insecure and paranoid that I’ve done something wrong.
I do rebel now and again, I’m human.
12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
I have been ordered to manage the Household finances, therefore the idea of financial submission does not apply to us.
I have known some Financial Dommes in my time (they were ALL female) and they all left a bad taste in my mouth, I didn’t get a sense of Domination from any of these women, I got a sense of Gold Digger using my lifestyle as an excuse to be an asshole.
I am sure there are caring and loving Financial Dom dynamic, but I have never personally witnessed it.
13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
Yes it is a part of our dynamic, but it’s pretty much irrelevant. My sex drive would put a 15 year old boy to shame. I have never EVER met anyone who could keep up with me.
And The Judge prefers torment and bondage over PIV sex anyway.
14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
We are not religious, outside a shared Buddhist Philosophy.
Since most people are born into religions, and are raised with specific beliefs, it is not mine to judge.
That being said, it brings up a major point of: CONSENT.
SSC is our mantra. If a girl is raised to do what a man, any man says without question, that to me takes consent off the table and moves into a different column.
Cultural, maybe?
But not lifestyle.
The Duggars are not NOT lifestyle. They just hate women.
15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Absolutely. I was a slutty whore, and a painslut. Then I was a submissive.
I was always going to be a submissive, and I didn’t think I would ever ever ever ever ever become a slave.
Although, back back back in the back of my mind was always a soft little wish for someone worthy to collar me.
16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
Yes. Well, I have only ever completely submitted to one Man.
I have to admit that Females Tops scare the shit out of me.
Women are, in general, more cruel than me.
They scare me in a good way. I’d be a hardcore Domina.
17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
Exactly the same as in any other relationship: Parent/child, Vanilla Partners, Your bank.
It’s just that the stakes are very much higher, because we do some stuff that can be deadly. It’s just that we lay stuff out on the table much earlier in the relationship.
Without trust, you got nothing.
18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
I am not good at this. I never was, even in a vanilla relationship.
My desires and needs have always taken a back seat to what everyone else wants.
Himself asks my opinion. He also orders me to spend money on myself, and orders me to sleep in on Saturdays.
I’m getting better, but I always feel like I’m topping from the bottom, which he thinks is funny.
19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
We used to.
We lived in separate cities and we used to have tight knit groups in each of our places. Then we moved to Suburban Nightmare Hell Town.
I write on this blog, I follow others’ blogs, I get on Fetlife and KCB.
I miss my kinky friends like lost family. It is very hard to be in this life when it’s just the two of you.
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
I don’t know how to quantify my submission.
Nope. But we never signed a formal contract or anything.
Relationships evolve or end.
21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Classic.
On my knees, sit back on my heels, thighs slightly spread, arms behind my back, eyes down.
22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Yes, and it gets dangerous for me.
I hook up with random strangers and allow them to choke me out on a random bathroom floor. Or I allow them to fuck my ass dry with one fist tangled in my hair.
Those were vanilla hookups.
The slave, the Muse … that aspect of me, has no self-control.
23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Yes. Everything, almost my entire life.
I was told I was a gross pervert by sexual partners. I was threatened with mental hospitals, losing custody of my child. I have been told that I must have been abused as a child because no self respecting woman would want this.
I spent years and years trying to be normal.
That’s what this blog is about.
24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
I get very creative and nurturing when I come up out of subspace, is that what this question means?
Other than that … For me it is a state of being.
25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
Oh yesssssss.
Words, phrases, call and response.
Him buckling on my formal collar.
Humans are primed to ritualize things that are important. I can get very nerdy and anthropology about it, but people usually aren’t very interested.
If you are, leave a comment and I will write up a research paper on it.
26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
I would like to think I’d know it when I see it.
My main thing, as mentioned earlier is this: Will.
I am a very strong person, and if a person doesn’t have enough self control to keep a job or pay their bills, basically every day responsibilities … Then they have no business being on Top of me. Being a Dominant is a tremendous amount of work.
27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Life is a buffet. I’ve been with Himself for four years, and I feel like we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface.
Knife play frightens me, but it’s the scary stuff that I’m drawn to.
Master won’t do it until he’s formally trained.
He also keeps me on a very short leash, he doles out play time in dribs and drabs.
I used to find it frustrating and hurtful, now I realize that we have the rest of our lives to explore. It keeps our relationship fresh, I think.
Plus, he’s got massive self control.
28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
Yes, yes, and yes.
That is why I started this blog. To reconcile all of those hurtful thoughts I’ve put onto myself.
As noted, I’ve been called names, pitied, all of that crap.
I still do regret being myself sometimes. I think life would be a lot easier if I was just a plain old vanilla.
I did make a big big mistake, but I was very lucky and it didn’t go out of control. I got tangled up with a predatory Dom once … things went bad (not as bad a most stories I’ve heard), and I went right back into the closet.
29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
Absolutely, but I think I’ve pretty much answered this question. I’m a pain slut. I don’t understand s-types who just tolerate it to get to something on the other side … I tolerate housework, this should be fun.
30) Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?
Yes and no.
I have two jobs, and Master has a huge commute. We are tired all the time, and life gets in the way. That, in addition to a complete lack of Community here, keeps us from expressing ourselves. We are pretty much closet cases at this point, although I’m working on that for both of us now.
If I was never able to express my submission again, if I had to go back into that dark filthy closet alone ever again, I would kill myself. I didn’t realize how miserable I was in the dark, until I felt the sunlight on my face.
I guess I don’t see it as something special, any more than Motherhood is special, or being a daughter is special. It is who I am, and when that part of myself and those needs are not being met, I become very self destructive.